SEX!

So as the work progresses, i decide to use concrete posts as shuttering for my concrete floor for the bathroom, dig them into the dirt floor to get a level & lay the concrete in between. We do this & it works great but with anther 30 square metres of floor to do I'm going to run out of posts.

Now there are miles of grapevines all around the area & they are all supported by concrete posts. Mr Fuzz has had a few excursions around the area with his metal detector & says i know where there are a load of old posts we could possibly acquire. We get in his van & disappear into the vineyards for a nose, we drive past an old farm house that Paul said was empty, we drive down a steep hill & find a stack of posts. I have a look at the posts but they are much thicker than the ones i had in the garden. we move on down towards the river, there is a nice freshly ploughed field at the bottom that Paul points out was part of an old Roman hill fort & that he has had a dig around with the metal detector. Next to the field there is a large stack of old broken concrete posts, perfect for what i need.

We get out the van & get ready to load when i hear a diesel engine getting closer, i look up towards the deserted farmhouse & see a 4x4 heading our way, we quickly get back in the van & drive towards the river, the 4x4 follows us along the field & we come to a junction & turn left towards the river. The 4x4 stays at the top of the road, we get out of the van & walk down towards the river, the driver sees us & then drives off in the other direction.  We wait 10 minutes then drive back to the posts, Paul turns the van round ready for a quick get away, we load up the van with enough posts & head off back towards the river. As we drive along the track at the edge of the field there is a 4x4 approaching from the direction we're heading. We are trapped!

The 4x4 pulls up, waving for us to pull up along side, inside is a big scary looking farmer type Bulgarian man. He starts shouting at us, we don't speak much Bulgarian & he speaks no English. As we are in a right hand drive van, i have the angry geezer on my side, my reply is "Anglichanin, ne razbiram" (Englishman, i don't understand), this is my standard response in most situations! He then shouts AK74, Bulgarian national 12 years! Which is the international term for i have a gun & your fucked! He kept repeating this & signalled he had been watching us through binoculars & he recognised Pauls van. We came to the conclusion that he thought we were metal detecting, Bulgarian national 12 years? Did this mean you get 12 years for illegally metal detecting? Or he was in the Bulgarian national army for 12 years but had forgotten to hand his Kalashnikov back in? Ne detector we tried saying hoping that he didn't want to look in the van, it then seemed to dawn on him that if we weren't metal detecting we up to something more sinister. Ah sex he shouted! He laughed & we laughed back thinking perhaps we should agree with whatever is least likely to get us shot!

He drove away laughing & we escaped with our stolen fence posts, no bullet holes & bottoms still intact!

The moral of this story is that in Bulgaria, if you're not metal detecting then you're obviously having sex!