Sunday, 6 March 2016

The loneliness of the long distance plumber!

Apologies if i start repeating myself, as BG beer is about 25p a pint i feel i usually come back with considerably less brain cells than what i went with!

So August 2014 was a family holiday, so far i have moved the water supply to the far side of the kitchen, we have running water to the kitchen sink & a flushing bog, a boiler is on the wall but not plumbed in. A 2 week family holiday nipping round to see Fuzz & Sue for a shower & various trips out to a few other towns & tourist sites. Too many mozzies & the girls are being bitten, i'm not being bitten so being an alcohol sodden diabetic does seem to have its advantages. I don't get much work done but i do get sunburn whilst sorting out the leaking porch roof.

Happy family shit over with i return in October alone to play with my plumbing! Now i must admit, thermoplastic welded pipe is the dogs dangly bits, no messing around with copper pipes that would either freeze or be stolen, instead  you buy 2 or 3 metre lengths of plastic pipe with whatever fittings you need, elbows, straight joints, threaded tap fittings etc. You buy a £20 pipe tool with male & female fittings, melt the end of the pipe & the fitting, line them up & push them together, piece of piss! We should use this in the UK!

So my next break through after a week of cheap beer & kebabs is hot water! This is a milestone in Festerville history! You learn to appreciate these small triumphs, as you're standing naked in front of an open fire washing your nuts in a bucket of hot water from your own tap! (note to self, must buy curtains!)

So, the new hot water is on the day before i leave, which means i have to now turn all the water off & drain the system for the winter, the novelty was indeed short lived.

I return again in the spring with the family to do more, mainly to see if anything has burst during the minus 20 temperatures of the winter, the only issue is the outside tap has blown out of its fitting, i screwed it back in & we were leak free. More family orientated holiday type stuff, strangely enough the girls didn't seem to share my enthusiasm in washing in a bucket so trips to Fuzz & Sues shower it was.

My next plan was to return in the summer alone, i was to ride my motorbike down to Austria with a few friends over a couple of days then leave them to ride on through Swiss territory, Stelvio pass etc while i buggered off to BG. It didn't happen!

In the mean time i had managed to get tickets to see ACDC at Wembley, on the day we drove up to Wembley & parked in the Multi storey car park & saw the concert. We planned to sleep in the car rather than wait 2 hours to get out of the car park, we slept reasonably well, paid the robbing bastards £50 to get out of the car park then went to the nearest McDonalds for a coffee & a McShit! This was around 7am & we decided to drive to Southend for breakfast, we found a cafe & sat on the hard wooden chairs then i felt a clunk in my back, i then spent the next 8 weeks off work unable to sit down & walking like the elephant man. Summer over!

We move house at the end of August & i return to work. After 2 months of opiate based pain killers, muscle relaxants, an MRI scan & a finger up the arse from a lady doctor with nice small hands, the conclusion is my old back injury has reared its ugly head & i need two prolapsed discs removed (its now March & still not happened!).

October 2015, i feel fit enough to travel so i manage to book flights with Wizzair from Luton in a big pink Dildo! Using all public transport, high speed train service from Ashford to London which was delayed, another train from London to Luton then a shuttle bus to the airport. The flight is then delayed by about 3 hours so marooned in the airport i went shopping. 7 pints of Guinness later we are finally boarding & the mysteries of the bladder begin! After 3 or 4 visits to the bog we land, by the way, 7 pints of Guinness in an airport costs more than the flight.  So its now around 8pm in BG, its pissing down & i need to get to my hotel, i find a man selling shuttle bus tickets to the station for 6 lev, result as my hotel is a 5 minute walk from the station, after 20 minutes of standing at a bus stop in the rain the wanker comes out & gives me my money back & says no driver. I get a cab to the hotel but the restaurant is closed as its so late, i head to my room to sleep off my liquid lunch.

Thats enough for now.


  1. Ouch! Bad back is just about the worst for a plumber. Docs never seem to be able to explain what caused it or more importantly what you can do to get rid of the bugger. For me, it was probably the eight hours of manual work every day! Can't have helped, right? Hope it's feeling better soon, buddy!

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